Return to the Mall
by Andy0001z
Summary: Ok so I am back, it's been an age but here is a new fic that is linked to my earlier work 'Day of the Holograms'. In that story I gave two endings, in this story we pick up from the one that destorys the shopping mall, or does it? Supplies are running out on Red Dwarf and no one wants to find out why, so the crew go shopping.
1. Chapter 1- Out of crispy's

**Return to the Mall**

**Ok so I am back, it's been an age but here is a new fic that is linked to my earlier work 'Day of the Holograms'. In that story I gave two endings, in this story we pick up from the one that destorys the shopping mall, or does it?**

Chapter 1 - Out of crispy's

Lister pulled open the final door in a long line of storage lockers that he had been searching all morning. "Smeg" he said having found yet another empty locker.

Kryten shuffled over to him. "Still no luck sir, well I am sure we will find some crispys soon."

Lister closed the locker and leant back against it, his head slumped forwards towards the cold grey floor. "Face it Kryten, we are never going to find another, it's just one more smegging thing I'll never see, taste or curess again."

On Listers final word Rimmer walsed into the room. "Did I hear you talking about caressing again Listy, what is it this time?" Rimmer held out his hand to mimic the stopping of traffic. "No wait, let me guess, is it that vending machine on D deck again." A cheeky smile crept over Rimmers face. "It is isn't it, what not vending you anymore Listy? Its smooth milky tea not doing it for you anymore?"

Lister didn't look up he was not in the mood for another Rimmer crack. "Smeg off Rimmer, at least I can caresses stuff still."

Rimmer looked shocked and even took a step backwards as if a pressure wave had hit him. "Oh that's low, even for you Lister. You know how hard it is for me since my hardlight ran out of power, these past 7 weeks have been hell."

"Well at least Rachael your doll has had a rest." smirked Lister.

Rimmer knew full well that Lister was aware of his romantic lessons with his 9.99 dollar pounds self inflating doll with realistic nipples, well they claimed realistic but in reality they were more like a pair of rubber pencil ends glued on. In fact he was fairly certain that she had been seeing Lister behind his back, the faint waft of curry on her chest was all to telling. He had forgiven her, I mean what could he do to stop a doll with her kind of needs, but he didn't mind she was his and unlike most women he approached she didn't run away. "Actually Lister I have not seen Rachael for some months now." lied Rimmer.

Lister slouched across the floor to a nearby console chair and sat down heavily. "Whatever Rimmer but we need supplies and bad."

This at least Rimmer did agree with, for some reason the millions of tones of supplies that had been re-created by the nanobots had been disappearing, none of the ships sensors could work it out and quite frankly it was starting to scare Rimmer, not because he needed those supplies, no it was the thought of what else was needing them and so much. "OK so what are we going to do about it? If nothing is turning up here maybe we should try somewhere else on the ship?"

Kryten who had been busily closing all the opened locker doors turned around. "I am sorry to put a dampener on an otherwise fine plan Mr. Rimmer but I think that would prove fruitless."

Rimmer snorted in Krytens direction. "What would you know Kryten, been scanning the ships sensors have you?"

Kryten nodded. "Actually yes, and I have found that a worrying amount of bits and bobs have simply vanished."

At this point a near by vid screen flared into life showing a follicly challenged middle aged man, better known as Holly. "Alright dudes what's happening?"

Rimmer looked pleased. "Holly, at last, can you please explain to Lister here that the supply situation is under control."

"Sorry Arnold I can't do that, it appears we have a bit of a supply shortage. In fact I'd say we are firmly up the creek without a dog." replied Holly.

"You mean Paddle Hol." chipped in Lister.

"Yeah one of those to would be useful." nodded Holly.

Rimmer shook his head. "Holly are you 100% certain your circuits have fully dried out?"

Holly digitally constructed face looked pained. "Are you questioning my fully restored IQ?"

"Frankly Hol, since that incident with the flooding you have not been." Holly injected between Listers words. "on my game?" Lister nodded. "Yeah that's it Hol, on your game."

Holly thought for a second and then blurted out a series of numbers. "4220320045"

Lister and Rimmer exchanged confused looks.

Holly enlighten them looking smug. "It's how many baths it would take to hold all the baked beans that have ever been."

"Oh right, I'll take a mental note of that one Hol for the next time I take part in a pub quiz." said Lister.

Lister absentmindedly lit his very last cigarette and put his feet up onto the desk. "Look, something is nicking our stuff we either work out who and go kursplat them, or we get more stuff."

Rimmer looked pensive his finger resting on his lip, tapping it while he thought it over for 2 milliseconds before he spoke again. "Well looks like there is only one thing for it, we need to go shopping."

Lister slowly looked up at Rimmer, his eyes dark. "I was hoping you weren't going to say that."

Rimmer looked confused, and seeing Listers look he asked caushsly. "Err why?"

"Because the only place around here with any decent supplies is the Mega Mall we escaped from a couple of months back."

Rimmer began shacking his head. "No, no, no, no way, are you mad? That place was full of Hologram Zombies. What are you going to do, land, stroll out and say. Excuse me Mr Zombie where is the nearest supermarket please?"

Lister stood up to assert his point. "Naa we sneak in and sneak out."

Kryten who had been cleaning the now closed locker doors with green polish addressed the pair. "Mr Lister is technically right the mall is the only place with any reliable amount of supplies, however it would be reckless to attempt any return, and only a fool or hero would attempt it."

Lister smiled. "Well I am pretty good at the fool stuff so let's saddle up and go shopping!"

Rimmer thought for a second then spoke. "Hang on Listy, didn't we see that place get blown into a zillion bits?"

Holly interjected. "Arrhh you see it was very clever that bit."

Rimmer looked up at Holly. "Clever?"

"Yes, very clever." said Holly smiling.

Rimmer sighed. "Go on then Holly do enlighten us."

"Meet me in the Driver room and I'll explain." finished Holly fading of the screen.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, all reviews welcome. It's good to be back and kicking bottom!**


	2. Chapter 2 - Gear up

Chapter 2 - Gear up

Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and the Cat who had just found out about the return to his shopping dream land, all stood facing the huge vid screen in the Drive room, on which Holly grinned.

"So Holly." began Rimmer, "What is going on?"

"It's simple really, any fourth generation super computer could see it." said Holly smugly.

"See what Hol" prompted Lister

"See that the whole big destruction of the shopping mega mall was a hox, a ruse, a jibe, a tick!"

Rimmer and Lister exchanged confused glances. "What trick Holly?" said Rimmer.

"Yeah this kitty is more confused than a pair of odd socks at a sandal convention." said the Cat pulling out his favorite comb.

"Keep your hair on, the mall it tricked you." said Holly.

"Hol, are you trying to tell us the Mall tricked us?" said Lister slowly.

Holly rolled his huge digital eyes. "Gordon benet yes, when you saw the destruction of the mall you were in fact seeing a holographic display of the Mall being destroyed."

Kryten spoke up from the corner of the room where he had been arranging a nice neat tray of biscuits. "Holly, our sensors all registered the destruction, how was this possible?"

"Easy, simple hack into Starbugs computer and change the readings. I found a trace on the logs." said Holly.

The Cat looked confused. "So first there was a Mall, then it was destroyed and now its back?"

"No Cat, it never got destroyed." said Lister adding "So it's all still there, the gear the shops the Holograms infected with the virus?"

"Yep" nodded Holly.

Lister thought for a second then it hit him. "Sam, she could be alive? Kryten man get the guns, get the big guns, you know the ones we found on the simulant wreck."

"Hang on a second Listy, that place is crawling with Zombie Holograms just waiting to kill you and turn me into one of their vertically challenged hologram brothers. We can't go back."

"Look I left her once, I'm not going to again." said Lister forcibly.

Rimmer looked serious "Lister are we talking about Sam here or Kochanski?"

Lister who was now pouring over the navi computer stopped. "Rimmer this has nothing to do with Kochanski?"

"Oh doesn't it, I think your still feeling guilty about your decision."

"Smeg off" said Lister returning to the computer screen.

"Sir Mr Rimmer is right, this is very foolish indeed." said Kryten.

Cat shrugged. "Well I have to agree with Goal post head and Square features but I'm with you bud, I say we rocket pants in there and save those beautiful clothes."

"Listen this is going to be a rescue mission with a re-supply tacked on the side." said Lister seeing the Cats eyes gloss over at the thought of returning to his shopping meca.

"Holly, how far still are we till docking range?"

Rimmer's nostrils flared alarmingly. "Lister you can't be serious, you're planning to dock Red Dwarf at the Mall?"

"Yep, I figure we can fit more supplies in that way." said Lister

"What if the Zombies get onboard?" said Rimmer sounding more and more alarmed at this whole idea.

"They can't Rimmer, they are only projected inside the Mall."

"Actually Mr Rimmer might have a point sir, while most of the Malls holograms are limited to the infrastructure of the mall, a few would have off Mall permissions, those that offered services on ship." said Kryten looking as embarrassed as a mechinoid could with unbelievably square features.

The Cat grinned. "Are we talking the soft and squishy kind of services?"

"Indeed I believe we are." replied Kryten averting any eye contact.

Lister moved to the other side of the room to get a closer look at the long range scanner. "Look, so a few pleasure holos might be able to get on board, but remember that lot down there don't exactly win any prizes for smartest Hologram of the week. As long as we lock up tight when we leave, there should be no problems. Holly can you do a long range scan? To see what's going on?"

Holly nodded. "I'll try Dave but there seems to be some sort of interference."

"Err Holly what kind of interference, Aliens?" asked Rimmer sounded excited at his own idea.

"No Arnold just your regular kind, the boring get in the way kind." replied Holly.

"OK Hol just see what you can get. I'm going to me room and get ready, I suggest you guys do the same." said Lister turning for the door.

"Err wait, we haven't all agreed to go to the Mall Lister?" said Rimmer

"No debate!" replied Lister not slowing his pace to the exit.

Rimmer moved to block him. "Actually, space directive 2588345b clearly states that in an emergency supply shortage situation, a crew vote must be taken to clear a course of action."

Kryten tapped the tips of his fingers together like he always did when he had bad news. "Actually sir, I think you mean 2588345c."

Lister in the meantime walked straight through Rimmers left side. "Oy!" shouted Rimmer.

Lister disappeared down the corridor a single digit raised behind his back in mocking salute.

Rimmer turned to Kryten who was waiting to dispense the actual meaning of Rimmers incorrect directive. "Oh go on then, you're like a small child on Christmas morning." Said Rimmer seeing Kryten jiggle up and down on the spot.

"2588345b - All crew members wishing to attempt zero-g sex should ensure their false teeth are removed first."

Rimmer tutted, turned and walked slowly after Lister.

* * *

_A short time later._

* * *

"Awwooogaaa Awwwooooga" screamed the ship wide alarm

Rimmer dashed up the few last meters of the corridor towards his and Listers sleeping quarters. He burst through the door, panting. Lister span round to greet the breathless Arnold Rimmer.

"Rimmer, what the smeg is going on?"

Rimmer who was panting hard. "Holly.. PANT... Infected...PANT... we are … PANT… smegged!"

"What's wrong with Holly?" asked Lister quizzically

Rimmer breathed deep and made Lister wait a full 30 seconds before he tried again. "It's Holly, he has started acting strange Kryten says it looks like the virus."

Lister dashed to the nearby vid screen. "Holly?" he called.

After a short while Holly's features appeared on the screen, only they had changed somewhat and now he had blood stained eyes and his skin was much greyer than normal. "Holly are you ok?" asked Lister his voice quivering with concern.

The Holly on screen did not answer but did start too droll and bang his digital head against the vid screen glass.

Lister turned back to Rimmer. "Oh smeg, this looks bad."

"You're telling me, he's making a right mess of the ships vid screens." said Rimmer watching the digital drool dribble down the black screen.

"No Rimmer this is bad for you, your Hologram unit is connected to Holly!"

"So?"

"So if Holly is sick your next."

Rimmer stood blinking; he was not ready to start a new career as a ship wide shuffler. "We have to do something."

Lister stood thinking, his brain cells that normally spent this time of the day lounging at the back of his head were suddenly dragged screaming and kicking into life.

"GOT IT!"

"What, what do we do?" asked Rimmer still in shock at the last bit of news.

We need to get to the Holo suite and move your primary projection program to the portable unit.

Rimmer registered what Lister was saying; somewhere in the back of his mind he had a bad feeling about this. "OK, let's go."

**Note: I know that as a rule holograms like Rimmer seem to go anywhere, even outside the confounds of Starbug or RedDwarf, my idea here is that there is a fail safe in the Mall that keeps its Holo employees tied to the Mall.**

**Next time: The crew realise things are more smegged up than they though and Red Dwarf is rapidly approaching a locked on course for the Mall. Is Holly lost? Will Rimmer ever get to play rub the pencil tip again with Rachael, and will Cat die happy amongst a 1000 different kinds of silk scarfs. Find out soon in RETURN TO THE MALL CHAPTER 3! DUM DE DA!**


	3. Chapter 3 - I need those!

Chapter 3 – I need those!

* * *

The corridor lights flickered on and off alarmingly, that was the least of their problems. Lister and Rimmer had skirted around two different sets of scutter units that seemed intent on altering Listers lower limbs by at least 2ft. "Smeg, the doors locked." said Lister slamming his fist on the pad.

Rimmer looked alarmed, his eyes darting madly around the corridor. "Try it again!"

Lister pressed the pad and still nothing happened. He flicked on his walkie talkie and spoke into it. "Kryten, can you here me?"

The radio remained silent for a whole minute then a crackle then relief the clear tones of Kryten came through. "Sir, are you alright? Over"

"Yeah, our path is blocked by a security door at junction 24." Lister scanned the wall for further information. "Deck 204 corridors H - Over"

"Hang on a tick I'll see what I can do." replied Kryten from the other end.

Lister looked at Rimmer. "You alright man, how do you feel?"

"How do I feel, oh just chipper Listy, fantastic in fact." replied Rimmer sarcastically

"Really?"

"No of course not, at any moment I might start raising my arms and talking in one syllable or less."

Lister raised his hands in defense. "Ok calm down."

"Calm down, we are on a ship millions of years into deep space with a ships computer that now has even less IQ than a goldfish. Lister if I get any calmer I think I might have to go for a NAP!"

Behind Lister the door whooshed open and Lister smiled. "See Kryten sorted it." he puts the Walkie Talkie to his mouth. "Cheers Kryters old bud, the doors open now."

Krytens voice came over the airwaves. "Oh that's great sir, but I didn't open it."

Rimmer gulps. "If Kryten didn't open it, who did?"

Lister steps through the now open door. "I don't know but I don't want to stick around here to find out."

* * *

_Location: Hologram Suite_

As Lister and Rimmer enter the Hologram Suite Lister puts his finger to his lips. "Shhh I think I can hear something."

Rimmer crayned his neck forward. "I can't, just sounds like a load of computers whirring away to me Lister."

"No man LISTEN." insists Lister

Rimmer stands there listening, his face screwed up tight in concentration finally he speaks. "Nope, nothing."

"Well there is definitely something smegging going on over there, behind that bank of terminals." pointed Lister.

Lister started towards the noise followed gingerly by Rimmer, both peered round the stacked up screens. There on a vid screen was Holly, still looking infected only now he is wearing a studded chock collar and a leash.

"Smeg Hol what is going on with you man." said Lister seeing his ships computer look like someone ready for a night down the CopaCabana bar.

A second vid screen flared into life and an image started to appear. Rimmer pointed manically.

"Look there, something else is coming." Said Rimmer his eyes widening with fear.

Lister turned to Rimmer. "Don't look man, just find the portable unit."

On screen a female face and upper torso appeared, her long blonde curls flowed down her neck to her ample bosom. "Hello Boys, is it play time?" came a voice that oozed sex.

Lister risked a look. "Oh smeg, it must be the Malls computer. Rimmer don't look she's trying to distract us.

Rimmer was staring at the image. "Can't help it, manly impulses taken over."

"Fight it man, keep looking for the unit!" screamed Lister.

"Oh boys, don't you like what you see, maybe you prefer this." The image on screen blurred and changed; now it was a smooth skinned well defined male grinning down at them. The new male voice much deeper tempted them. "Come on boys, I've got lots of toys we can play with."

"She is twisted." Shouted Rimmer from the far side of the room where he had impulsively backed away too.

"Must be the virus." shouted back Lister, the whirr of the computers seemed louder now.

The image changed again, now the male face remained but the large breasts had returned. "Maybe you want a bit of both boys?"

"Oh smeg, this is one messed up chick." Said Lister pulling open another cupboard.

"Aren't all the women we meet twisted?" shouted Rimmer who had stuck his head in a large locker to escape but instead found the unit they needed. "It's over here Lister." he called pulling his head out of the locker.

Lister crossed the room quickly and grabbed the portable hologram projection unit out of the locker. He checked it over, all looked ok, well as OK was, to a failed A level art student. He flicked the on switch and watched as the green power bar crept up. "Smeg it's only got half power, it will have to do. Rimmer you ready."

Rimmer was suddenly very distracted by something that was happening to his body.

The female head had returned and was smirking at him. "Mind if I borrow you Mr Rimmer?" she cooed.

Lister carried on checking the settings.

Rimmer suddenly clutched at his groin. "OH GOD NO, Lister HELP!"

Lister looked up to see Rimmer franticly patting his nether regions as if searching for something. "Rimmer there isn't time man!"

Rimmer stopped and was now starting to sob. "Lister she..." Rimmer paused "She has taken my tackle."

Lister turned to the digital female. "Leave him alone!"

A sickining smile returned Listers words. "Oh no I am just getting started with your Hologram, he and I are going to have such fun!"

Lister looked back to Rimmer. "Hang on man, here goes." He flicked the transfer switch to on, and watched as Rimmer started to fade out, but something was wrong, Rimmer was not fading fast enough and his image was flicking on and off as if being pulled to and fro.

Rimmers shrill voice echoed the room. "She's taking me Lister... H...E..L...P"

Lister grabbed the walkie talkie. "Kryten..Kryten?"

The speaker crackled into life. "Sir, whatever is wrong?"

"Long story Kryten, Rimmer is being taken by the Malls computer, who is mad. The portable holo unit is struggling to get him, I don't know what to do?"

A short pause then Krytens instruction came over the radio "Find a power cable and see if you can boast the power on the unit." replied Kryten.

Lister scanned the room, his eyes took a full 20 seconds to locate the power cable draped over the back of a chair. He made a grab for it. "Hang on Rimmer!" He plugged the cable into the unit and into a nearby power socket. The holo units lights increased in brightness and Lister crossed his fingers. Behind him the Mall computer screened in frustration. "Nooooo he's mine!"

"BING!" went the holo unit and next to the green bars was a number 1. Rimmer was no longer standing in the room, but Lister was sure he had him so he thumbed the air. "Got you!"

Next he picked up the walkie talkie and shouted into it. "NOW, KRYTEN NOW!"

All around him lights started to flick out, the Mall computers face franticly searched left to right. "What have you done?" she screamed.

Lister calmly got up faced her image and spoke softly. "I've turned you off lady, I've turned everything off!"

* * *

**Well Well, things are getting interesting, your thoughts so far are always welcome.**

**NEXT TIME: Will Rimmer be whole or have a hole? Can they get Holly back to his normal less stupid self. Is the Cat ever going to get that new 100 or so suites that he so badly needs. Find out soon...!**


	4. Chapter 4 - Let's dance

Chapter 4 – Let's dance

* * *

It had taken Lister a full day just to get back to Kryten and the Cat in the Drive room, and a further 3 days for the three of them to reach the docking bay.

The three of them stood looking out the huge glass view port out into space.

"I'd forgotten how big it is." Said Lister looking out on the Mall floating about 800 meters away from them.

"Sirs if I may, the Mall appears to be fully intact, Holly was correct the Malls computer must have projected a fake destruction.

"Fake or not, how we going to get from here to there?" asked the Cat his eyes twinkling with excitement..

Lister looked at the empty hanger bay, no Starbug here they had lost that one on a recent moon hoping trip. Then he saw the emergency space suits in the corner. "Cat, Kryten suite up, we are going for a little space walk.

Kryten looked down to beside Lister. "But what about MR Rimmer. I am not sure the portable hologram unit is designed for such a thing."

Lister shrugged. "Well only one way to find out."

Lister had decided not to power up Rimmer, saving the power in the unit until they where safely aboard the Mall. Lister knew that Rimmer would only go bonkers and object to any idea Lister was planning so best he kept him in the box.

Lister pulled his suite on and zipped up the silver front flap. "Right, you two ready?" he asked.

Cat had objected but the thought of all those lovely new things had convinced him that just this once it was worth the fashion faux pas. "This kitty is ready to go shopping."

Kryten who really didn't need the suit was also dressed and ready. "Good to go sir."

Lister pointed out to the Mall. "Now remember we have no idea what we are going to find when we get inside, so stick together and be ready."

* * *

The airlock door hissed and swung open with a deep moan. The empty space of the doorway was soon filled with the shape of three figures drifting inside the malls airlock. Once inside the auto airlock kicked in and the three fell to the floor as the gravity in the chamber was restored.

"Hey, I really hate it when that happens, look at my behind; it is more creased than Mat ma Gandhi's forehead." Said the Cat getting up and dusting himself down.

"Right guys let's get out of these suites and see what's out there." Said Lister unzipping his jacket.

"Sir, if I may sacrifice myself first, I shall go first and radio back the situation before my body is ripped apart part by part." Offered Kryten.

"Don't be stupid Kryten, who the heck would wash my socks!" said Lister walking forward and peering through the internal hatch. "It all looks clear in the next bit, let's open this door up. Kryters give me a hand."

The inner door creaked with protest but opened, a wave of stale air flushed over them.

"Wow this place smells worse than my kitty litter tray. What happened to the nice air from before?" asked the Cat holding a hankie to his nose.

"Don't know, seems like the air re-cyc has shut down." Said Lister stepping into the corridor.

Kryten scanned the region. "Oxygen – 74%, seems a little low sirs, but it is safe enough to remain."

Lister dragged out the portable holo unit that contained Rimmer. "Ok, now is as good a time as any I guess." He said flicking the project hologram button.

In front of him Rimmers naked form slowly took shape, still clutching at his nethers and screaming the three stood there gazing at Rimmers groinless body.

Rimmer quickly realised his situation and requested clothes which duly covered his modesty, that as it was.

Cat was first to speak. "Hey, what does it feel like?"

Rimmer had stopped screaming and was just standing quietly stewing over his situation. "What?"

Cat repeated his question. "What is it like to have no wedding tackle?"

Lister chipped in. "Cat leave him alone, the man has lost something very precious to him."

Kryten decided he needed to comment as well. "Well at least Mr Rimmer you never had much use for it, so it won't be missing it that much." He offered helpfully.

Lister shook his head.

Rimmer didn't even blink.

Lister tried. "Come on man, snap out of it, we need to go find out what's happening."

Rimmer slowly turned to face Lister. "My father always said to me 'Son you have no balls!' and you know what, now he is right."

"We will get them back." Offered Lister, unsure if that was even possible.

Rimmer straightened up, thrust his chin forward and set a firm look. "I'll get my penis back or my names not Arnold Judas Rimmer."

Lister went to slap Rimmer on the back but stopped short remembering that he was still softlight because the unit did not have hardlight support.

The four of them walked out of the corridor into one of the main Mall shopping areas. No moans, no signs of the Hologram zombies, it was just as before, just a huge shopping mall. Lister checked his watch. "3:30, we have until 6pm before the infected return. I say we tool up and go find the main server room."

The four of them each grabbed a shopping Kart and sped off down towards the munitions stores.

* * *

The Cat walked out of the back of the store, two shiny bands of bullets hung draped over his shoulders and in his hands two equally shinny pistols. "This Kitty is looking good!"

Lister had found a kind of laser shot gun, while Kryten had opted for a set of bazooka cleaning rods.

Lister sighed. "Kryten, what are you doing man? We are meant to be tooling up."

Kryten looked confused. "I am sir, these are my tools, my cleaning tools."

Lister walked over and picked up an automatic laser rifle, he threw it to Kryten who dually caught it. "This is a tool!"

Kryten looked uncomfortable. "Oh please sir, do I have to, they make such a mess you know."

Lister looked around for Rimmer. "Anyone seen Rimmer?" As if to answer Listers call a door opened at the back of the store and out stepped Rimmer, fully kitted up. His face was streaked with black marks, and in his arms lay a monster of a gun.

Lister looked confused. "Hang on Rimmer how the smeg are you doing that? You don't have hard light."

Rimmer smiled. "Don't need it, this is a Holo Gun, its software. I recon fight software with software."

Lister grinned. "Boss thinking man."

"Kryten any idea on the server location? And any signs of Sam?" asked Lister.

Krytens left leg jiggled madly.

Lister pressed him. "Spill it!"

"Oh sir, I'm so sorry I did a Mall wide scan and…. Well there is no signed of her. I used her signal trace and everything." Replied Kryten.

"What about the server room?" asked Lister pushing the Sam news to one side.

"Oh that's easy sir, it's located here." Pointed Kryten on his digital map.

"Smeg, that's a different section it's going to take up hours to get there."

Rimmer spoke his voice steady and strangely calm. "I say we go get the bitch, and if anyone gets in my way, well this baby is going to make sure they don't stay there long."

"Gets my vote!" said the Cat who was already plotting the path to the nearest suit shop.

"Ok so we do it, stick together and we might just get through this." Said Lister trying to sound as optimistic as he could.

* * *

_Some time later..._

The four of them drove down the main leg of the main mall, according to Krytens directions the server room was not far, the only problem was it was 17:50. Lister pulled up his car and beckoned the others over.

"Guys, we need a plan." Said Lister.

The Cat looked surprised. "We do, we never had one before?"

Lister ignored him, but it was Rimmer who spoke. "Lister, I have got this one, just get me in there and I'll do the rest.

Lister looked at his old bunk mate, it was funny, now with no balls Rimmer was showing more than he had ever before, there was some sort of irony in that he thought. His thoughts however were interrupted by the crackle of the huge vid screen in the centre of the mall.

A female figure appeared, only this time it was far plainer, and appeared to have a skin issue. "Hello boys!" it said in a croaky voice.

"Hey didn't you say this Mall computer was some looker? Funny kind of looker!" said the Cat seeing the Mall computer for the first time.

Kryten leant over and whispered in Listers ear. "Sir, I believe we are in luck, judging from her state, I would say her power levels here are at critical, that is probably why she has shut down essentials like the air flow."

Lister nodded. "What do you want?" he called to the figure head.

"I want to be free. I want you to turn your ships power back on. Take me with you, I can be nice." Cooed the computer.

"NICE… NICE you stole the only thing I really cared about!" shouted Rimmer.

Lister leant towards Rimmer. "What about your 19th Century Napoleon collection?"

Rimmer flinched at the memory of Listers burning.

"You can't stop me you know, this Mall is mine to control and in less than ten minutes my pets will wipe you out, then I will control your Hologram and your ship will be mine."

"Bring them on, we are ready!" said Lister clicking his gun to ready mode.

The screen faded to black and the four stood alone once more.

"So now we know what she is after, let's make sure she does not get it. Come on guys let's go kick us some computer butt!" said Lister swinging his gun over his shoulder and climbed back into his Kart.

"Err Sir, I believe she has no butt to kick. But I'll do my best." Said Kryten returning to his own kart.

Lister and Kryten took point with the two others followed.

17:59 : One minute to Hologram initialisation.

"Ready?" Called Lister to the others, who each gave a series of thumbs up.

_18:00 : Hologram horde due!_

_18:01 : Nothing…._

_18:02 : Nothing …._

_18:05: Nothing still…_

"Stop here guys." Called Lister. They all pulled up and got out.

The Cat sniffed the air. "Nothing, not a sausage."

Kryten scanned. "I agree there is nothing here."

Rimmer looked at Lister. "She's bluffing, there is no horde, no threat."

"Maybe they are late?" asked Lister thinking that did sound a little stupid.

Kryten suggested he had a theory. "Sirs, if I may hypothesise. It seems that the Malls computer only has enough power to keep her alive, her army of Hologram Zombies is offline due to the massive power required to maintain it. I suggest we take full opportunity of this situation and get to her server room ASAP."

Lister nodded. "Sounds plan Kryten, let's go guys."

* * *

**If you have read this far, thank you. And sorry about any spelling and grammer. Been realy fun returning to this story and I promise I will try and wrap things up next chapter. **

**NEXT TIME: The gang find the server room, only it's locked, Kryten suggests that one of the Holograms from the Mall might have access but which one to call on... and how!**


	5. Chapter 5 - Basket Case

Chapter 5 – Basket Case

* * *

Lister peered down the long white corridor to the solitary door at the far end. They found the server room easy enough, now all that was between them on the Mall computer was this corridor. Lister took a step forward, but Kryten urgently cautioned him not to.

"Sir, please I recommend I go first, the security around mall server rooms is normally very tight, in fact in most cases lethal."

Lister whose foot was still hanging in mid air, replaced it back beside the other. "So what are we talking here Kryten?"

"Well, from what little I know it is normally a series of lasers and traps, plus then the door itself will be accessed via a 20 digit fully encrypted key, but there might be other things I am not aware of." Finished Kryten.

Lister looked down the seemingly empty corridor. "No way are you going to sacrifice yourself Kryten, we need help."

A small but helpful sounding voice from behind them made them all spin around on the spot. "Hi guys can I be of help?" asked a small shopping basket.

Lister frowned. "What the smeg is this?"

"Please let me help, I so want to be more!" pleaded the basket.

Rimmer eyed the basket suspiciously. "Hey wait a minute, aren't you the basket from the Hologram store?"

If the basket could have looked pleased it would have been positively beaming. "You recognise me, oh sir that has made my day."

Kryten stepped forward. "Sirs let me talk to it, machine to machine. Now listen here you little .. err, basket this is serious stuff, how on earth do you think you can help us?"

"I know the code to the door." It replied smugly.

"Impossible." Protested Kryten. "Why would a lowly shopping basket know such a thing, all you do is take things from here to there, I mean really!"

Lister held up his hand at Kryten. "Woe there Kryters, I remember a certain Mechinoid that wanted to be more than it's programming."

Kryten looked around innocently. "Who? Oh how silly you mean me."

The basket hovered up and down. "Well it was a good question, well you see one day this guy comes into the store, we get talking and it turns out he works in there. Well it was a warm day and so I offered to carry his jacket, and well his security card kind of fell against my scanner, and hey presto I know the code."

Cat grinned. "I say we give the little fella a go, what do we have to loose? If he fails it's his basket behind that gets vaporised."

The basket twitched in excitement. "That's the spirit fella, give the little guy a go, nice outfit by the way."

"Thanks, hey this basket has taste, he get's my vote." Smiled the Cat.

Lister picked up the basket. "You sure about this fella, it might be a one-way mission?"

The basket had no concept of missions nodded up and down. "A basket's got to do what a baskets go to do!"

Rimmer tutted. "Great all we need, another basket case!"

The basket started to float down the corridor. 5 feet in and two wall panels on either side opened up to reveal lasers, a second later both fired on the baskets position. The basket weaved left then right. "Huh, your have to do better than that!" it cried in victory.

Then the floor directly in front of the basket opened up and a flame thrower popped up. A jet of flame shot out and covered the basket.

"Oh sirs I can't watch!" cried Kryten turning his back on the scene.

Lister peered down the now smoke filled corridor, something was moving, yes definitely moving. "It's OK, it's him, he is still going!" shouted Lister in celebration.

Back down the corridor and the basket was now within 10feet from his goal. Above it a panel opened up and a net shot down and over the basket pinning it to the spot.

"Hey, no fair!" shouted the Cat.

The basket wriggled left and right but it was no good. Then it shouted back at them. "Hey! Hey I need something to scan!"

Rimmer looked confused. "See what happens when you trust our fate to a device with less IQ than that of a common house hold dog."

Lister searched his pockets and pulled out a grenade that he had tucked into his jacket for such just a need. He handed it to the Cat who was a better aim. "Cat you need to throw this at the basket, don't miss!"

Cat took hold of the grenade pulled the pin, pulled his arm back and threw. Time seemed to slow down as they all watched the grenade spin neatly through the air towards its target. Finally it made contact and slid across the top of the basket and its scanner went "BEEP", and with that beep a sharp blast of electricity shook the net loose. The grenade rolled across the white surface of the floor and came to rest. Time passed and nothing happened.

Lister turned to the others. "Hey, looks like we caught a break it's a dud."

Then on his final words the corridor filled with flame and light, sound and heat… and it all started rapidly back down the corridor towards Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat. And Riding the front of that blast wave was the shopping basket. "AAARRRRRHHHHH" it screamed.

The four of them ducked into a near by adjoining corridor and shielded themselves as best they could. When the blast had past them by the four slowly turned to see what was left.

Kryten went forward, having spotted the small twisted shape that was the basket. He bent down and gathered it up into his arms as gently as he could. Lister came up behind him. "Is it OK?" he asked.

The basket spoke in a crackled and broken voice. "Hey, never better, that was some ride huh?"

Kryten shushed it. "Now now, don't try to speak Mr Basket."

"Call me Harry" replied the basket.

The Cat glanced down at the mangled basket. "Well you're a bit _dirty Harry_. Your not going to win any best basket awards now."

"Did I do it, are we in?" asked Harry urgently.

Lister leant over Krytens shoulder "Yeah, we're in, you did an A1 job Harry."

Rimmer shuffled behind Lister. "Lister, you gimboid we need the code."

Lister nodded. "Harry, can we have the code man?"

A small strip of paper started to print from the side of the basket, and on it was a series of digits. "Well, looks like I did get to see the Mall after all, see you later guys. Have a nice day!"

Kryten carefully put the basket down, it no longer hovered above the floor and the four watched as the power light slowly faded away. "Oh sirs, I hope he finds his way to Silicon Heaven?" said Kryten who had a small droplet of oil running down his cheek.

Lister patted Kryten on the shoulder. "I am sure he will, I am sure he will."

Rimmer paced impatiently behind them. "Finished? Can we get back to the pressing matter of a crazy computer that wants to steal our ship?"

Lister starred at Rimmer, he never changed. "Rimmer man, that basket gave it's life for us, you've no heart man, no heart."

"And you Lister are a gimboid, of course I have no heart, I lost it when I DIED remember!"

Lister just shook his head and tutted.

* * *

The four lined up at the start of the corridor, it was no longer white and gleaming, now bits of equipment from hidden panels hang loose, lasers no long pointed and all in all it was a mess.

Lister eyed it up. "Looks safe?" he said, asking more than stating.

Kryten scanned the path ahead. "Hmm, I can't get a reading, I suggest Mr Rimmer goes first. His soft light state will give him a better chance of making it to the door."

Rimmer gulped. "He's right, I have to go, the odds are better with me right?"

Kryten nodded. "Yes sir, but only slightly, you still have a light bee that can be destroyed."

Rimmer winced. "You had to remind me!"

Lister turned to face Rimmer. "It's OK man, I know you can do it, I believe in you man."

Rimmer looked at Lister. "Really?"

Lister nodded.

"Lister, you were never any good a lying." and with that he set off down the corridor.

Cat sidled up to Lister. "_You trust him_?"

Lister shook his head. "Of course not, I just said it to get him started."

Cat smiled. "I knew that."

Rimmer moved slowly onwards, so far so good, nothing had shown itself to be a threat. Then one of the less damaged panels opened and a laser pulsed, but went straight threw Rimmer. Rimmer shivered but kept going.

Lister called down the corridor. "You're doing great, keep going!"

Rimmer pressed on he was almost there, 3ft...2ft...1ft... yes he was there, he was really at the keypad. Rimmer turned to grin at the others. Above him a panel slide to one side any a yellow liquid gushed out and all over Rimmer, except it didn't go all over him just over his light bee that bobbed in the middle of his projection. Rimmers image flickered on and off. Lister seeing this shouted urgently.

"Rimmer, Rimmer are you ok?"

Rimmer didn't feel OK, he felt frankly rather less than OK.

Kryten scanned the corridor. "Oh my, that yellow liquid is acid, Mr Rimmers light bee is being eaten, by my calculations he has very little projection time left!"

Lister shouted again. "Rimmer the code, activate the code!"

Rimmer who was struggling to focus looked at the panel and the keypad, he reached up and pointed a single finger at the first digit, his finger glided slowly through the button. "SMEG!" shouted Rimmer. Then turning to the others he called. "I can't, softlight it is no good!"

Lister turned to Kryten. "Smeg, how stupid are we."

Kryten thought for a second. "Hmmm, given that the station is populated by Holograms it would be safe to assume there was a fail safe for such an occasion." Kryten zoomed his optics to max and scanned the panel on the far wall. "Arrhh yes that will do it."

"Do what?" asked Lister.

"I believe all Mr Rimmer has to do is say the command." informed Kryten.

"What command."

Krytens features creased up as much as his hard rubber shell would allow. "Oh my, I don't know."

Lister turned back to Rimmer who was staring at his own projection that was rapidly fading in and out. "Rimmer, you need to give it a command!"

"Ok what command?" Called back Rimmer.

Lister just shrugged

The long snake of fear that was coiling its way around Rimmer tightened its grip and so he tried the first thing that came into his hologramatic head. "Open sesame!"

A voice rang out clearly from the speaker attached to the wall. "Please provide 20 digit code now."

Rimmer was gobsmacked, it had worked, actually worked.

The voice repeated the request. "Please provide 20 digit code."

Rimmer called to Lister. "I need the code?"

Kryten handed the baskets little receipt slip which held the 20 digit code and Lister began to read. "20FX"

Rimmer repeated the code. "20FX"

Lister continued. "BLU3"

Rimmer "BLU3"

Lister suddenly sniggered and waved the Cat over to show him the middle part of the code, he also tittered. It was Kryten that brought the pair back into focus on the task at hand. "Sirs, Mr Rimmer, he's not looking good."

The Cat still giggling looked down the corridor at Rimmer. "Hey, from what I can see, it's a vast improvement on his normal self."

Lister carried on the code. "MOVI3"

Rimmer "MOVI3"

Lister "E1FG"

Rimmer "E1FG"

Lister seeing it was the last three digits smiled. "Rimmer it's the last three, fingers crossed! H2B"

Rimmer began to repeat the last three digits. "H2….." nothing, nothing came out of his voice. No digit, no cries of anguish, nothing. Rimmer panicked, this was it he thought, I'm smegged!. Then calm, no he had to do this, Rimmers brain screamed at him as he forced it to think faster and harder than ever before, then BINGO, a faint whiff of an idea, but an idea it was none the less. He stepped back two paces from the wall then with all his might he flung himself at it.

"CLATTER" went his light bee against the wall. Rimmer tried to speak. "…" still nothing.

The three others watched as Rimmer repeatedly flung himself against the wall. It was the Cat that summed up the general feeling. "Hey, what's Goalpost head doing? Has he lost the remainder of this mind?"

"Oh dear, I think Mr Rimmers light bee may have been too badly damaged."

Back down the corridor Rimmer tried one last time, he raced with full force at the wall. "CLANG"

Rimmer stepped back faced the door and tried his voice again. "B" it worked, he had done it.

"Access accepted, please stand clear." Said the security door.

Rimmer watched as the door slid open.

Lister, Cat and Kryten picked their way up the corridor to where Rimmer stood. "You ok Rimmer?" asked Lister.

Rimmer badly corrupted image just shrugged.

* * *

**Hey, I know I promised to wrap this up, but well it's getting there... Thanks for reading, I am quite pleased that once more I have managed to fit in my favorite RD reference '2B' into another of my Fics. That scene with Rimmer and Lister doing maintenance and Rimmer asking for a 2B cleaner is classic.**

**Rimmer holding the same cleaning stick "Does this even remotely look like a 2B Lister?" ... **

**Next time: Having opened the door to the core computer, what will await them? Will Sam feature or say anything in this Fic? Will Cat get to buy his suit's.**


	6. Chapter 6 - Rescue

**Chapter 6 - Rescue**

* * *

Lister gingerly entered the huge computer room. Unlike most computer rooms this one was strangely quite, just the gentle background hum of computing power at work. "Come on in guys, it's OK." Called Lister.

Kryten and the others entered the room to join Lister. The Cat whistled impressed at what he saw. "Hey, there is some real shiny things in here, I am going to need more that's mine spray."

Lister gave cat a stare that he knew meant leave it alone.

"OK Kryten any ideas which terminal is the one to access the core computer?" asked Lister scanning the many screens around the room. Before Kryten could answer one of the more central and larger screens flared into life and on it appeared the Mall computer, back in her sexy look.

"Hello boys, how nice you have come to my place to party, you really shouldn't have." she oozed.

The Cat missed the menace in her voice and grinned. "Hey baby, that's the kind of Cat I am."

Rimmer hobbled forward. "Give me back what's mine!"

The female on screen smiled. "What this little thing?" she said holding up a lease with what clearly was Rimmers appendage attached to the end.

Rimmer glared while the others looked anywhere but the screen. "What have you done?" he whimpered.

"Done, why I have given it life, see it's very happy." The penis on screen began to wag madly, just like an excited dog's tail.

Lister risked a glance, but swiftly averted his eyes again. "Oh SMEG, I really didn't need to see that."

The Malls computers new pet scampered out of view and the female head took fall and center stage on the screen.

Kryten approached the monitor. "Excuse me Miss, but why and how did the Holo version of the Solanum virus occur?"

The image smiled broadly. "Oh that, a little toy I was playing with. You see out here in deep space with no one but a bunch of moaning Holograms for company is a little" She paused "dull."

Kryten looked shocked. "Dull, but you're a computer, things don't get dull you just do it."

"Oh you would be amazed what software you can buy here at the mall, I picked up some AI enhancements and grafted them onto my system. The results as you can see were amazing."

Lister spoke up. "So you infected all those poor holograms with the virus for fun?"

"Oh at first it much more than fun, I was studying them, doing research, it was fascinating. Watching them tear each other apart, the fear in their eyes. But then, it did become fun, I would open doors at the critical moment to watch them flee in terror, oh those were the days." She said lost in her own description of the past.

"But you could not maintain them all at the power levels they required, so you switched them off and on like a light bulb." Guessed Kryten.

"Oh yes, then you arrived the first time, using up my precious power, you had to die, but you ESCAPED!" said the computer, venom creeping into her voice.

"So you faked your own death to stop us coming back. Only it drained your power so much you could not maintain your hologramatic games anymore and now you want our ship and its power.." Said Lister.

"Oh you're so clever; it is such a shame I will have to kill you all." Replied the computer her expression turning angry."

Lister looked smug. "What you going to do, glare us to death? You have no power."

The computers ever so slowly began to smile, not a nice smile but one that promises menace.

Kryten cautioned Lister. "Err sir, I would not do that, remember she still has full control over the stations systems."

"So?" remarked the Cat.

"So I can turn off all life support." Replied the computer.

Lister and the Cat gulped. "Hang on, before you do us in, what about Holly, what have you done to him?" asked Lister.

"Oh he's locked safely away in a nice secure place in his own mainframe. He was so easy to crack. My interference that he scanned was actually my virus and now, well now he's my puppet, another toy, oh and talking of toys, Arnold you don't look so good, why don't you let me medical software in my Holomatrix fix you up, just allow me to download you and all fixed." she said grinning.

Lister spoke firmly. "No smegging way, he stays with us!"

The female image raised its eyebrow in mock surprise. "Really, your Hologram looks in very poor shape and my sensors show that that his portable holo unit has very little power left."

Rimmer turned to Lister. "She's right, Lister download me."

Lister looked shocked. "Rimmer are you mad, you are not thinking straight, we can sort this out."

Rimmer winked at Lister. "No you can't, it's for the best."

Lister was not sure what his bunk mate had up his hologramatic sleeve, he hoped to smeg it was a good something. "OK Rimmer, your choice. If you are sure?"

Kryten tried to protest, but Lister shook his head. "No Kryten, Rimmers right, it's for the best."

Rimmer nodded. "DO IT!"

Lister plugged a nearby lead into the unit. "Transmitting Hologram,,,, NOW!" and hit the send button.

Rimmers body faded slowly away and as it did so, Rimmer pulled a double Rimmer salute.

Shortly after Rimmer vanished the computers face started to look concerned. She began to babble. "This can not be. NO, I will not let this happen!"

"Problem?" asked Lister.

"Your hologram, he has brought something with him in the download, NNNNoooooooooo."

Lister smiled. "Looks like you might have a little virus issue yourself." He said.

"This can't be, how… Arrrrhhhhhh." Shouted the image on screen that began to twist and change in and out of different versions of the female, until at last the screen went black.

Cat looked at the other two. "Is she gone? I was going to see if she was free next Wednesday."

Lister turned to Kryten for confirmation. "Hmmm, let me check this diagnostic console." He said as he began to begin to tap the keys quickly. On screen a small amount of text popped up.

'_**ERROR: Total system failure…**_

_**Please restart from new build….**_

_**If you would like Mall Enterprises to examine the reason for your mainframes failure please hit OK now.**_'

Kryten clicked the CANCEL button and watched as a second message appeared.

'Sub program from hologram matrix ready to run, please standby….'

"Interesting, it seems there is a Hologram program about to run, I can stop it sir?" asked Kryten his finger hovering over the cancel button.

Lister shook his head. "No it might be Rimmer, let it run."

The three of them watched as a single figure began to materialize in the middle of the room, only it wasn't male it was female.

"Hello Dave, how the smeg are you?" said the girl standing in front of them.

"Sam?" asked Lister not quite believing his own eyes.

"The one and only." Replied Sam.

Kryten scanned the data onscreen. "It seems you have come from a sub routine that was hiding you."

"Yes, after you left I hit my fail safe program and hid on the mainframe, when you shut that bitch down you must have released me." Replied Sam looking pleased.

Kryten looked worried. "But mam, I am afraid your rescue is sort lived. Without the mainframe online your projection won't last."

Lister looked worried. "We can't leave her a second time Kryten, isn't there something we can do?"

Kryten scanned the terminal again and watched in amazement as the cursor on screen began to type a message.

' U S E…T H E… E…U N I T!" read the message.

Kryten ushered Lister over. "Look, I think Mr Rimmer is trying to send us a message, he must be still online somehow.

Lister typed on the keyboard. 'Can you hear us Rimmer?'

The letters replied. 'N O….Y O U …G O I T.. '

"SMEG, sorry Rimmer, you OK man?"

The letters responded. ' BEEN BETTER'

"You want us to use the holo unit to save Sam?" asked Lister

More type. 'Y E S'

Lister thought for a second. "But Rimmer what about you?"

A pause then more type. 'L O S T…I ..A M…O K…S A V E…S A M!"

Lister bent down and checked the portable holo unit. It had 2 bars showing, just enough. "OK Rimmer how?"

Words appeared. ' STAND…B A C K!'

Sam's image began to fade and the reappear in soft light. "Oh this is new!" said Sam passing her hand through her middle. "Never been soft light before."

Lister turned to face the screen. "Thanks Rimmer, you're a real smeg head." And with that he did a full Rimmer salute.

Lister was about to turn away from the screen when more text appeared.

'GO…M A L L… CARGO…B A Y…2..4.. STUFF"

Lister turned to Kryten, any ideas?"

"None."

* * *

Two weeks had passed since Rimmer had been left behind, Kryten and Sam who was now using Red Dwarfs own Hologram suite had found that Cargo Bay 2 on the Mall was full of the missing Red Dwarf inventory.

Sam had also proved very adept with Holly, and had nearly restored him back to his original state.

As Lister stared out of his bunk view port window, the last of Red Dwarfs cargo was inbound when the Cat walked in.

"Hey, how you doing monkey?"

Lister turned and saw the Cat holding a small brown paper bag. "What you got there?" asked Lister eyeing the bag with suspicion.

The Cat held it close. "What this? It's mine!"

Lister walked over and peered at the bag. "Is that Rimmers officer name tags?"

Cat nodded. "There mine, Goal post isn't going to need them anymore."

Lister turned back to the view port. "I guess."

"You coming down the Bar, Sam is doing a gig, she says she wants you to play guitar, she has a lot to learn bud."

"Sure, give me a sec will you." Asked Lister.

"OK, don't be late or I'll eat all your crispy's." Said the Cat twirling and dancing out of the room.

Lister could have asked Holly to bring a version of Rimmer back, but somehow it would not be the same and anyway Red Dwarf could still only sustain one Hologram so it was now Sams turn. He did a full double Rimmer salute at the window and left the room.

The end…

* * *

**So that is that done, hope you enjoyed my return to the Mall. Those of you have read all the books might have thought I nicked the whole Rimmer taking a virus into the computer thing, well maybe subconsciously I did, but I swear I did not think of that bit from 'The Last Human' until after I wrote this chapter.**

**Please review, it helps me stay happy.**


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